Thursday, May 21, 2026
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S VOCABULARY: DIVESTING
When someone systematically pulls their responsibilities from a relationship with the goal of contributing NOTHING and gaining everything they can from a so called partner until they decide to finally exit the relationship.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S VOCABULARY: EXPIRATION DATE MENACING
Today I made the mistake of reaching into the back of the cabinet and found a juice box with an expiration date of JULY 2005.
It is a shot gun blast from the past, but at least it was not covered in green fuzzy tendrils.
THERAPY SESSIONS
I have had my fair amount of therapy sessions over the years. For the most part, they are useless. It is like having a half hour to cut open a scar and then you have to wait a week to sew it up again and then reopen it once more. You never get to heal. Just purge and often the feeling of purging leaves you dealing with horrific memories again, but ALONE.
I had one therapist I told some of my BDSM experiences and he was so disturbed by it all, he sent me to a psychiatrist to try to get me put in an institution to deal with these issues FULL TIME, but they would let me out for dinner and sleep only to return the next day. I told him, "I AM NOT HAVING ANY SEX CURRENTLY." But it did not dissuade him so I agreed to go even though that put me in jeopardy of being INVOLUNTARILY COMMITTED.
I met the Doctor and after taking some questions, he asked me if I HAD A PROBLEM. I told him I did have a problem that I would try to resolve through getting help. That saved me from months of being locked in with drug addicts and possibly sex addicts who were actually having sex laughing at my ass for not having any sex, but being locked up as a sex addict.
NEVER SAY YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.
THE PIE
Before I got married to LADY MORGANA, I handed her a paper. On on it was a pie chart and the majority of it was labelled SEX.
I told LADY MORGANA, "SEX is not the ONLY interest I have, but it is a big interest I CANNOT live without. Do you agree?"
LADY MORGANA concurred, "YES I DO." That assured me I was making the RIGHT decision marrying LADY MORGANA.
I had NO IDEA I would be marrying such a motherfucking LIAR.
I am still waiting for that pie. And I am hungry.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S VOCABULARY LESSON: ALWAYS WET
ALWAYS WET does not refer to something desired and erotic, but a bland and defiant stance toward washing the dishes. I bought LADY MORGANA some fine DISH TOWELS to dry the dishes with, but she refused and prefers for the dishes to air dry and become moldy rather than use the dish towel to dry them which is literally by her side and takes all but fifteen seconds or less. So when I say LADY MORGANA is ALWAYS WET, I am referring to her defiance toward drying the dishes by hand not her desire for my sexual prowess which is majestic, epic and coochie rattling and just as overlooked as the lovely dish towels which sit idle waiting for some strange.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S VOCABULARY LESSON: REVERSE GARBAGE THREAT ABYSS ALCHEMY
REVERSE GARBAGE THREAT ABYSS ALCHEMY is when someone (LADY MORGANA) responds to your complaints of household clutter by throwing out GOOD THINGS instead of junk you don't need or want. Like this morning I found a new sock in the garbage with GAS RELIEF TABLETS that don't expire until MAY 2027.
So it appears LADY MORGANA IS INVOKING chemical warfare upon me as her witchy ass is always pointed my way at bedtime and looses flatulence continuously throughout the evening. I may need MERLIN'S help to defeat this witch who appears to have no shame or bounds of decency.
NASTYGRAM VERSUS VOCABULARY LESSON - THE EVER EXPANDING MINDFUCK LANGUAGE CONUNDRUM
LADY MORGANA says that my vocabulary lessons are really nastygrams aimed at her. To the contrary, in order to SOLVE a problem, you must first define the problem and the mindfuckery that lies beneath it.
There is an extreme pestilence of bitchiness in Camelot and it MUST be stopped.
I must stand against that evil that hides my underwear and steals my socks among other unspeakable crimes.
Wednesday, May 20, 2026
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S TRUE SPREAD EAGLE STORY
I took a job at the recreation center of the University to make a little spending cash when I was enrolled. It just so turns out the front desk of the recreation center was right across from the university radio station which had a heavy metal format. One day, the director of the radio station struck up a conversation with me and finding I was into hard rock and heavy metal advised me to check out a local band out of New York City called SPREAD EAGLE which he said was excellent. I respected this guy's opinion so I got the SPREAD EAGLE album on cassette and was not disappointed.
I also got their follow up album as well. After all these years, SPREAD EAGLE is still on my play list. Some have characterized them as the NYC GUNS AND ROSES, but SPREAD EAGLE has a style all their own in my opinion.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: THE SOUND OF SILENCE
When someone threatens not to speak with you and then will not shut up.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: GETTING TOENAILS DONE
GETTING Y TOENAILS DONE is a way to escape FREE TIME with your husband where one might be pressured into intimate relations thus avoiding said possible erotic free time and a wresting match with the vampiric love snake.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: DEATH BY ONE THOUSAND DISPOSABLE PENS
It is when someone uses a disposable pen to write something, but does not return it to an organized place where they got it but leaves fucking disposable pens all over the fucking place.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: TRANSFERENCE
TRANSFERENCE is when you tell an anecdote about somebody else or bring up a hypothetical when it is really you that are being referenced thus dropping a BOMBSHELL indirectly and avoiding an incendiary conflict.
FOR EXAMPLE:
Your partner tells a story about her friend and his wife having a nonsexual relationship that just involves living as platonic housemates to avoid a messy divorce.
OR
Your love interest asks if you would ever like to take her to a swimming pool just to drop the bomb indirectly now that she is fucking someone else that fucks and takes her to a hotel swimming pool on the regular.
I TOO ONCE HAD A DREAM...
My dream was to get out of my toxic family haunted house, be successful, buy a nice suburban house with a picket fence and have a family. My dream was the AMERICAN DREAM. Few people even talk about THE AMERICAN DREAM anymore. For most it has become unattainable. There are billionaires and wage slaves. That is the economic landscape we live in. My ordeal to get through college did not make me wealthy, but indebted to the government for my tuition paid by loan. Marriage to the demoness witch LADY MORGANA did not bring me love and sensuality but deception and cock ring Satanic spells over Ragu pasta sauce and Hamburger Helper to diminish my wild libido. My child DAMIEN EXCELSIOR was born with SPECIAL NEEDS. It does not go away magically when your child becomes an adult, just the funding and support disappears. You could say I am living the AMERICAN NIGHTMARE, but often a nightmare has a silver lining. You WAKE UP and see the beautiful things YOU DO HAVE in reality. You treasure the love around you, the good health you have and how fortunate you have been despite the set backs and misery. You live for the kindness and love you can spread and try to keep the anger and hate back to build a space of joy and kindness around you.
I STILL HAVE A DREAM. I want to own and live in a haunted house in the woods somewhere in Pennsylvania. Even if I cannot live that dream, I would like all the socks I own matched, paired and stored in an orderly fashion before I die.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Tuesday, May 19, 2026
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD 3: SOCK DROP INTIMIDATION
When somebody drops one sock in a pair of socks on the floor and then loses the mating pair as a way to confound and enrage that person and make them drain their finances constantly buying new socks.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD 2: SATANIC SLIPPAGE
When you let the sheet slip off your side of the bed and purposefully refuse to put the sheet back on leading to sheet slippage further across the bed.
The witch|The Lady Morgana
The WITCH LADY MORGANA keeps a busy schedule, when she isn't watching LAW AND ORDER, DATELINE, hiding my black socks, or seeking SATAN's help in vanquishing my latest SOLAR POWER PROJECT, she is counting my condoms and dropping cookie crumbs on the kitchen floor.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S TRUE LIES AND ALIBIS: THE SEXLESS MARRIAGE
I write this at risk of having my white socks go missing due to the wrath of LADY MORGANA.
My PARTNERING to the demonic evil witch LADY MORGANA was not always SEXLESS. In the beginning, after a rocky start and incidents of BLUE BALLS, the sex was rather torrid and filled with such lust that interstate truckers could not sleep and on Valentine's Day, the local chess team failed miserably after hearing the orgasmic lovemaking by myself and LADY MORGANA next door. They were so much driven to distraction that the chess team coach banged hard on the wall and threw off my hunka man rhythm and ended our love making session abruptly.
This LOVE MAKING feast continued for some time until our wedding date neared and we went on a vacation where suddenly LADY MORGANA had no interest in SEX, just sitting by the pool. When asked about this change in mindset, LADY MORGANA said that she was ON VACATION and did not want to spend all her vacation time fucking in the room. If I was smart, I would have ended things there, but thought this aversion to fucking was an isolated incident. How I was wrong.
I have tried glowing condoms, condoms that make your dick look like a less endowed black man, dildos, vibrators, tongue vibrators, giving of jewelry and lavish gifts, lubrication, massage, role play dress up, a tongue buzzer, having expensive dinner dates etc., but LADY MORGANA now says she is interested in MONEY, not LOVE and SEX. Since I have little money, apparently this is now an impasse and deal breaker and thus interstate trucks and local chess teams are back to their winning ways as MYSELF and LADY MORGANA are no longer perpetrating sessions of MAD FUCKERY at local motels or our palatial cramped apartment even when time permits an hour or so of MAD FUCKERY. Instead LADY MORGANA prefers watching shows about serial killers, murders and sexual assaults on cable television.
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: DUMBFUCKING
DUMBFUCKING is where you ask someone the same nonsensical question over and over until they burst out in repressed anger or lose their mind.
For example, you could repeatedly ask your partner, "How is your earlobe?"
DEEP THOUGHTS WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD
It is often said that one looks at life either that the "glass is half empty" or the "glass is half full." That does not mean that one must ignore the bullshit that is floating around in the glass. You are perfectly valid in stating that "there is bullshit in my glass." "I want another fucking glass."
Monday, May 18, 2026
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S TRUE DAVID LEE ROTH STORY
Back in the day, I saw DAVID LEE ROTH's first solo tour at the MEADOWLANDS STADIUM in New Jersey. I was amped up for the concert which featured the showmanship of DLR flying at the top of the stadium on a surfboard among other things. At one point, ROTH was smuggled in a box in front of the sound board where our seats were and when he popped out we suddenly had front row seats to the show!
I was blown away.
It is hard to get footage of these classic concerts because taking pictures and video of the concert were prohibited and you could get expelled from the venue and even arrested for copyright infringement for recording the concert.
Nevertheless, some outlaws preserved footage if they did not pay the price for wanting a souvenir of their concert experience.
Sunday, May 17, 2026
REAL SUICIDAL TENDENCIES STORY
When I was in high school, I went from a place where I had a lot of self esteem and self worth to a very low place quickly. I did attempt suicide at one point because I thought there was no hope for the future and to continue on was pointless, but I reconsidered at the last moment. It is a miracle I am alive after what I did.
After I lost most of my friends, I tried to keep a low profile. There was a gay guy in my class that did the opposite. In a time when most gay people were in the closet he decided to be openly gay though it was obvious from his affect that he was effeminate if not gay. Being openly gay in the 1980s meant you were probably ostracized by straight people and often beaten just for being yourself and having a sexual preference that was not considered the norm. Even the teacher tried to dissuade this guy from writing about being gay in essays and being out, but this young gay man was ahead of his time, BRAVE and FEARLESS.
I struck up a conversation with him once and we talked about music and he said his favorite band was SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. So that was how I got into their music. I figured such a strong willed person must know good music and it turns out he did.
I HAVE TO TAKE IT EASY ON LADY MORGANA TODAY...
LADY MORGANA took great offense at the refrigerator joke and afterwards deleted posts from my blogger account. To take insult from injury, my clothes started disappearing.
Sometimes it is best to tread lightly. Especially when you can no longer find underwear.
Saturday, May 16, 2026
THE FIRST VAMPIRE RULE IS DON'T MESS WITH MY SHIT
I just so happened to go to the bathroom and LADYMORGANA took it upon herself to delete some of my funniest posts (in my opinion).
So I will have to look for poison in my meatloaf from now on.
Here is what ELMO has to say about this bullshit.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S MARRIAGE MATH PART DEUX
I offered LADY MORGANA an OPEN MARRIAGE and she agreed.
She thought an OPEN MARRIAGE was where you could leave the refrigerator OPEN.
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S MARRIAGE MATH
I have 50 polo shirts, but I can only find 4. Where did the other 46 shirts go?
VOCABULARY WITH VLADVAMPIRELORD: MINDFUCK
A MINDFUCK is where someone maintains that their false reality perpetrated upon you is actually true reality.
For example: You tell your wife you are tired of having NO SEX and she says to you, "You have plenty of sex."
Friday, May 15, 2026
MORE TALES FROM THE RICH KIDS SUMMER CAMP
We were waiting for our counselor to appear and singing "Ring My Bell" by Anita Ward to kill the time when we saw a tall, skinny kid with blond hair appear with a sneer on his face.
He had us gather round and stated that the only good music was music from the SEX PISTOLS and anyone that listened to ANITA WARD and sang "Ring My Bell" was a big pussy. Our counselor said that he was not going to have a set schedule of events like the management of the camp wanted, but would do as we wished and if we did not have a request for things to do then we could just do nothing.
We sat a day or two in the hot sun before we unanimously agreed we wanted sex education. Our counselor complied and said he would bring one of the female counselors around the next day to teach us about sex. To our surprise, the next day a female counselor showed up and laid on the grass fully clothed with her legs spread and our counselor said anyone in our group could have sex with her.
We all sat there paralyzed with fear as lustful visions filled our heads as she lay there for about ten minutes then got up and left with no takers.
"You are all a bunch of big ass pussies." He concluded as he had himself a good laugh at our expense and shot us nasty looks as we sat in the hot sun overcome and exhausted with this rebel counselor's anarchy system for rich kid's youth summer camp.
RICH KIDS CAMP
Somehow my mother got enough money together to send us to RICH KIDS CAMP. I guess I was ten years old at the time. Unfortunately, I was fat, poor and had just gotten over the chicken pox so I was not highly sought after and befriended. There was one kid there who would be my friend. He was goofy, funny and shared some of the same interests as I.
One day the group decided to play charades and my new found friend got up in front of the group, picked up some leaves, turned around and squatted down, dropping leaves between his legs.
Everybody was stumped.
"Makin' It." He said with a devilish grin.
The whole group was in stitches chuckling at his genius and comedic timing.
Somehow, that moment has stuck in my mind all these years. That and the singer later starring in one of my favorite movies, "AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON."
KUDOS TO LADY MORGANA
LADY MORGANA arranged for a local florist to create corsages for DAMIEN for the prom. When we got there the florist was closed and another local florist said they could not create corsages for us. LADY MORGANA decided to visit a supermarket florist close by that just by happenstance had extra corsages available at half price. So LADY MORGANA saved the day.
Normally I have negative things to say about LADY MORGANA, but today LADY MORGANA, this song is for you.
HEE HEE
VLADVAMPIRELORD'S VOCABULARY LESSON: PURE BLISS
It is not often you achieve a state of PURE BLISS and sublime joy, but there are moments in life that send you there. Often one thinks life is all misery, cruelty and despair, but moments of PURE BLISS change that outlook if only for a precious moment in time. PURE BLISS is not publicized on the news nor are the people that make that moment and propagate it. But PURE BLISS exists and it shines a light on all the good in the world while others see only cruelty and a humanity that has lost its way.
My son DAMIEL EXCELSIOR went to the prom last night with a beautiful young lady. DAMIEN does not often speak in sentences because he has SPECIAL NEEDS, but the first thing he said when he got to the prom was, "THIS IS SO EXCITING." DAMIEN danced the night away with his friends from school and it was pure heaven to behold the truly SPECIAL young adults have a great time and see the teachers and staff behind the scenes who made such a precious evening happen through their hard work and thoughtfulness.
When you find PURE BLISS in your life you need to enjoy and cultivate it because it is a fleeting moment in time though truly UNFORGETABLE.
Thursday, May 14, 2026
KIND THINGS TO SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER THAT I LEFT OUT IN MY MOTHER'S DAY RANT
My mother had a hard life filled with trauma. Even though that was so she fought for her kids and did her best to protect her kids. She worked a job as an automobile claims examiner and got yelled at and abused all day long at work and got yelled at and abused when she came home. We did not wear the best clothes or eat good food all the time, but she made sure we were clothed, fed and had a roof over our head even if we lived in a haunted house with rat bastards. My mother paid for little league baseball and I learned about bases loaded, two out and two strikes and taking the swing that loses the game and being THAT guy. After a Summer alone, my mother paid for inner city poor camp where I was the only white kid, YMCA camp where luckily I was fat enough not to be hung in a wedgie on the cabin wall and rich person's camp which was the greatest torture of them all being poor and fat. My mother paid for religious school which financially broke us, but taught me never to kneel before anyone except God. My mother never let us get beaten by my step father and when I tried to interfere she told me to go back into my room and said, "Don't hit him" to my step father in such a way that he knew she would divorce him if he hit her kids and I used to wait to go to sleep until my mother stopped crying which seemed like forever. My mother and I had the same sense of humor when I was young and she tolerated all kinds of bullshit from space monkeys, hermit crabs, gerbils and parakeets. Even though we were poor we had cable TV so I could see jiggling breasts and use curse words properly and see R rated movies without supervision. My biological father never paid child support and my step father worked menial jobs when not unemployed yet my mother held everything together. When a child across the street got the new and innovative ATARI 2600, after much whining and pleading, my mother forked out the $200 so that I could be a minor celebrity for 6 months or so and one of the few that had the video game system. When I was sick and in the hospital and had a fight with staff and they wanted to send me to a hell hole hospital, my mother insisted that I go to the best hell hole that her insurance would allow and that was a place that catered to rich people and even celebrities and this place got me well and on the right track instead of struggling and on the precipice of doom all the time.
I hoped that I would eventually come to a reconciliation with my mother, but that never happened. She did call me before she died and said that she was dying and did not know what to do. I told her we all die and that instead of worrying about dying, start living in the time you have left. She was into walking, taking vitamins, and eating right before she got sick. When I finally saw her before she died, she was eating ice cream. I miss my mother though we became estranged. At her funeral I said things when I originally was going to remain quiet that rubbed people the wrong way. I did not blast my stepfather like I could have and he probably thought I was going to and my stepfather did not understand everything I said because he was probably waiting for the rant about him.
After my mother died, I had a dream, there was an open door and she was walking toward me with my grandmother. They both seemed very happy. "Come with us." My mother said. I pointed to my grandmother and said,"But she's dead." Then my mother and grandmother walked back through the door and I awoke.
Perhaps I will meet my mother and grandmother another day in another place and time. And we can argue like old times.
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